The REAL First Day of School

Yesterday was just orientation. I don't know if you count that as the first day of school. So, technically today was. Class from 9:00-10:00, and then 10:00-11:00. Wake-up call at 7:30. Still don't like it here.

I'm going through a lot of emotions since I have been here. I don't think anyone really understands until they are studying abroad. I cry multiple times a day. Doesn't matter if it is in public or private. All I can ever think about is how much I want to go back home. It is really hard for me being here.

Last nigh I was wide awake and crying at 2am. I immediately messaged Alex. That is when I just let it all out. I have been keeping this in the whole time. Yes, I have always wanted to study abroad. But I never gave myself any time to prepare for it. It was like, oh Sierra is going, so I should go. I'll be cool and everyone will be impressed by me. Stupidest decision.

Yeah, studying abroad always seemed like something awesome to do. But I never wanted to come here. It was kind of like, Breda was the only option, so I took it. I took it and committed without really thinking about it. I feel like this is when I bought my car. I bought it, and the second I got home, I regret my decision. My biggest issue is not taking time to really think about things before I do them.

So as I walked 20 minutes to school, I was thinking about everything. And then when I was in class, it was more so, me not even paying any attention to the teachers. Im having a rough time concentrating because all I can think about is wanting to go home.

When I was in my second class, I was Facebook messaging a friend from NAU who studied here. Turns out, he went through the same thing as me. He wanted to do this though. I don't.

My biggest question is, is it too late to turn around?

Alex asked me last night if I was to just come back, what I would do. Well, it is too late to get into any classes at NAU, so I told him this. If I was to come back to the states, I would live with Alex and just hang out until I have to go back to Flagstaff for my last semester of school.

I just wish that this was my last semester there. I wish I could take all of this back, and never commit to coming here. I am so sick of pretending I like it here. I am so over acting like I don't feel so hurt inside. And most importantly, I feel like the biggest disappointment.

Not only do I feel like a disappointment to my parents, but my family, friends, and Alex. I don't want people looking at me differently or thinking I am pathetic because I couldn't do it. Because I am not one to quit on anything. But this is the first thing I am having a real tough time believing that I will be okay. I need to be with Alex. I need to be in the states. I need to be where I feel safe and where I am happy.

I think when I said how I wanted to study abroad, it meant that I wanted to travel. Because that is still the case. And I believe is what really is the case. I want to travel the world, not live everywhere in the world. America is my home. And that is where I need to be.